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Top Ten Least Intelligent Breeds of Dogs in the World

1. Afghan Hound
2. Basenji
3. Bulldog
4. Chow Chow
5. Borzoi
6. Bloodhound
7. Pekingese
8. Mastiff
9. Beagle
10. Basset Hound

Top Ten Signs That Someone Is Using Your E-Mail Account

10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"
9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."

Top Ten Things Not To Say On Your Anniversary

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events.
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband?
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

Top Ten Indicator That A Redneck Has Been Working On Your computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Huntin".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

Top Ten Ways to Piss Off Your Employee

10. When he arrives each day, look up and say "Thanks for joining us"
9. When you go to his desk to speak with him, always lean close and whisper as if it's something big
8. Before any one on ones, look at him for a minute and then sigh deeply before starting off
7. Ask about his wife...often
6. Every time you ask him to do something, end it with "I need it yesterday"
5. At the start of the each workday smile and say "are you ready to earn that paycheck?"
4. Email him stats hourly and say "Let's try a tad more"
3. Point to another employee and say "I'm the only one keeping him from killing you"
2. Each day smile and say "Ok, ass kisser! Pick a cheek!"
1. "What bonus?"

Top Ten Ways to Piss Off a Cop

10. Sigh in relief and say "Thank God I'm not a black man carrying a powdered donut."
9. Say "There was a leaf on my windshield and I had to gun it up to 90 to get it off."
8. COP: "Your eyes look red. Have you been drinking alcohol?" YOU: "Your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"
7. Wait until he comes to your window before suddenly reaching down to tie your shoelace
6. In your best Garth voice say "Do I smell bacon?"
5. Say "Ok I was speeding--but not because I have a body in my  trunk."
4. Read the entire ticket...front to back...very carefully...sounding out each word
3. When you pull over, make sure you're real close to the lane so his ass sticks out into traffic
2. Insist on a strip search
1. When you roll down your window and he leans close, begin placing a fast food order "I'll have a big mac, order of fries..."

Top Ten Places Not To Take A Girl On The First Date 

10. House moving party
9. Country bar on "bobbin for pigs feet" night
8. A D&D game
7. Home to watch your complete collection of Traci Lords classics
6. Your parents house where mom spouts stories about all your "accidents" as a kid
5. Out to "Fuck 'em" hill
4. Indian gambling casino on "Cheap ass whitey" night
3. Grocery store for a 6-pack and some fritos
2. Police road block to watch them beating drunks
1. Hermaphrodite karoake night at the gay bar 

Top Ten Ways to Kill Timothy McVeigh

10. Put him in front of a Jerry Springer crowd and tell them he's a trailer park husband behind on his child support
9. Force him to read entire When I Grow Up archive
8. Give him a cyanide Mentos
7. Marry him to Robert Blake
6. Tell OJ that he porked his ex wife before the bartender
5. Grizzly bait
4. Give each of the victims' family members a pick axe and 5 minutes alone with him
3. Bunjee jump with piano wire around his neck
2. Put fake antlers on him and turn him loose in some Kentucky forest
1. Seconds before commencing the lethal injection keep saying "hold on the mix isn't right" over and over

Top Ten Things a Pregnant Woman Says During Birth

10. My mother said you'd be no good!
9. Push?! Why don't you PULL!!
8. What do you mean 'we' are doing fine? You aren't pushing a watermelon through YOUR keyhole!
7. If you think we'll ever have sex again, you're nuts!
6. Get...it...OUT!
5. Hey Doc. What's with the salad tongs?
4. Oh don't worry, my husband will feel my pain for a long time after this
3. Add another stitch to what?
2. Natural childbirth my ass! Give me MORPHINE!
1. Ouch

Top Ten Uses for Tax Rebate

10. Help pay off taxes you owe
9. Buy Jenna Bush a six pack
8. Purchase candles in California for all those blackouts
7. Send it to the "Curtis Berry doesn't get paid enough to do this crap" fund
6. Buy roll cage for your Ford Explorer
5. Bet on who bombs who next between Israel and Palestine
4. Frame and tag check as historical marker
3. Buy more guns for use in next standoff with FBI
2. Donate to the Democra-HA HA HA HA HA
1. Spend the crap out of it


Top Ten Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn

10. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.

9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.

8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.

7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.

6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.

5. He's fascinated by the details of your home security system.

4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.

3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.

2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.

Top Ten Signs You Are 'Burned Out' Because of Work"

10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, jerk!"

8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.

7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You have so much on your mind, you've forget often how to think.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through ...er.... Monday.

4. You sleep more at work than at home.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.

2. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

Top Ten Things to do with an Adult Diaper

10. Give one to Ronald Regan and tell him they're supposed to prevent the spread of the "Evil Empire"
9. Make a Noah's Ark replica using glue, a coat hanger and animal crackers
8. Spitoon
7. Make your dog wear one for the helluvit
6. Catapult-sized water ballons
5. Grimace speedo
4. So Grandpa can sleep in
3. Poo Pinata
2. Toss them in the punch bowl and then freeze them to make Diaper Pops
1. Use it to mop all the piss on the floor because you forgot to wear your diaper

Topic submitted by Ryan N.

Top Ten Ways to Piss off Greenpeace

10. Save a tree; use your hand
9. Come to a rally wearing a mink coat while eating a whale sandwich
8. Prank phone call telling that there will be a dolphin shoot in the harbor
7. Continually say that "Green peace" is another term for "virgin"
6. Call them hippies
5. Comment how endangered bald eagle tastes just like chicken
4. Give members' addresses to lumberjacks and fishermen
3. Come to a rally and denounce rain forests as harmful to pollution
2. When a member gets in the way of a bulldozer, leap into the air and tackle him out of harm's way
1. Shut up, commie

Top Ten Reasons To Come To Work Naked

10. No one ever steals your chair
9. Gives bad hair day a whole new meaning
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also come to work drunk
7. People stop stealing your pens when they see where you keep them
6. You want to see if it is like the dream
5. To stop the creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my trousers"

3. Inventive way to meet that 'special person' in Human Resources
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan
1. Your boss is always yelling "I want your ass in here by 8:30"

Sumitted by Leonie W.

Top Ten reason's China held on to the Crew of the downed spy plane

10. Thought they had the cast of "Survivor" and wanted to see if they'd eat each other to survive
9. Trying out new "Chinese Bored Torture"
8. Hoped Americans would show them secret to Carrot Top
7. Wanted to give US plane a good wash and wax before returning crew
6. Trying to gain secret of how Bush became president
5. Needed chinese checkers partners for tournament
4. Guards angered by crew, who continually asked them to say "parallel" over and over
3. Chinese kept insisting the Clinton owed them 50 bucks
2. Every time crew was asked a question, they'd respond "Ancient Chinese secret"
1. Crewman caught wearing t-shirt that said "Better Dead than Red"

Topic submitted by Brad R.

Top Ten Lies Customers Tell Tech Support

10. The storm hit while I was out of town
9. That other guy promised me a new computer
8. I've spilled nothing on the keyboard
7. This program came with the computer
6. I'm the only one who uses the computer
5. I can't find the cd
4. I've already tried that
3. I haven't installed anything new
2. It's been doing this since day one
1. I have my parents' permission

Top Ten reasons Life at Bayside is better than a woman:

10. Bayside doesn't call wanting to talk about "us" while the game is on.
9. You don't have to wear protection to read Bayside.
8. You don't have to wine and dine Bayside before trying to read it.
7. Bayside will leave you satisfied EVERY time.
6. You don't have to beg for Bayside.
5. Bayside won't ask you to take out the garbage.
4. Bayside doesn't know the meaning of the term "pillow talk".
3. Bayside doesn't have a fat girlfriend who wants to "tag along" everywhere you go.
2. Bayside doesn't cook some crappy exotic dish that you have to eat or suffer later.

1. Bayside doesn't have goofy relatives you have to impress before getting to read itt.

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