Top Ten Least Intelligent Breeds of Dogs
in the World
1. Afghan Hound
4. Chow Chow
10. Basset Hound
Top Ten Signs That Someone Is Using Your E-Mail
10. "Honey, why is an
18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"
9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping
cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000
4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the
cover of Business Week.
3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani
mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been
forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you
Top Ten Things Not To Say On
stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
Top Ten Indicator That A Redneck Has
Been Working On Your computer
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events.
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband?
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me
this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if
it'll shut ya up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in
The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Huntin".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
Top Ten Ways to Piss Off Your
When he arrives each day, look up and say "Thanks for joining us"
When you go to his desk to speak with him, always lean close and whisper
as if it's something big
8. Before any one on ones, look at him for a minute and then sigh deeply before
7. Ask about his wife...often
Every time you ask him to do something, end it with "I need it yesterday"
At the start of the each workday smile and say "are you ready to earn that
Email him stats hourly and say "Let's try a tad more"
3. Point to another employee and say "I'm the only one keeping him from killing you"
2. Each day smile and say "Ok, ass kisser! Pick a cheek!"
1. "What bonus?"
Top Ten Ways to Piss
Off a Cop
Sigh in relief and say "Thank God I'm not a black man carrying a powdered
Say "There was a leaf on my windshield and I had to gun it up to 90 to
get it off."
COP: "Your eyes look red. Have you been drinking alcohol?" YOU: "Your eyes
look glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"
Wait until he comes to your window before suddenly reaching down to tie
In your best Garth voice say "Do I smell bacon?"
Say "Ok I was speeding--but not because I have a body in my trunk."
Read the entire ticket...front to back...very carefully...sounding out
When you pull over, make sure you're real close to the lane so his ass
sticks out into traffic
Insist on a strip search
When you roll down your window and he leans close, begin placing a fast
food order "I'll have a big mac, order of fries..."
Ten Places Not To Take A Girl On The First Date
10. House moving party
Country bar on "bobbin for pigs feet" night
A D&D game
Home to watch your complete collection of Traci Lords classics
Your parents house where mom spouts stories about all your "accidents"
as a kid
Out to "Fuck 'em" hill
Indian gambling casino on "Cheap ass whitey" night
Grocery store for a 6-pack and some fritos
Police road block to watch them beating drunks
Hermaphrodite karoake night at the gay bar
Top Ten Ways to Kill Timothy McVeigh
Put him in front of a Jerry Springer crowd and tell them he's a trailer
park husband behind on his child support
Force him to read entire When I Grow Up archive
Give him a cyanide Mentos
Marry him to Robert Blake
Tell OJ that he porked his ex wife before the bartender
Give each of the victims' family members a pick axe and 5 minutes alone
Bunjee jump with piano wire around his neck
Put fake antlers on him and turn him loose in some Kentucky forest
Seconds before commencing the lethal injection keep saying "hold on the
mix isn't right" over and over
Ten Things a Pregnant Woman Says During Birth
My mother said you'd be no good!
Push?! Why don't you PULL!!
What do you mean 'we' are doing fine? You aren't pushing a watermelon through
If you think we'll ever have sex again, you're nuts!
Hey Doc. What's with the salad tongs?
Oh don't worry, my husband will feel my pain for a long time after this
Add another stitch to what?
Natural childbirth my ass! Give me MORPHINE!
Ten Uses for Tax Rebate
Help pay off taxes you owe
Buy Jenna Bush a six pack
Purchase candles in California for all those blackouts
Send it to the "Curtis Berry doesn't get paid enough to do this crap" fund
Buy roll cage for your Ford Explorer
Bet on who bombs who next between Israel and Palestine
Frame and tag check as historical marker
Buy more guns for use in next standoff with FBI
Donate to the Democra-HA HA HA HA HA
Spend the crap out of it